Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I read into things way too much.

I am almost over it. This hanging back, chill, exterior. Feigning interest... whatever.

I lose myself in affection and attention. I lose myself over the stupidest things. It envelopes me like the soft, knitted blue blanket I had that always smelled of home. Full of holes, but still so warm and inviting. I make it work. Whatever it is that life hands me, I make it work.

What other option do we have?

I am not the type of person who flutters from one person to the next, though it may seem so. If I focus on you there is a reason. Problem is... I focus on everything. I want everything.

I want to breathe in life. I want to see it screaming at me. I want to be back on those cliffs in Greece. A moment where I felt alive because I could have died at any moment. Bleeding, scraped, burnt, wet, hungry, exhausted, alone.

I live my life at the edge of emotional exhaustion. I pour my heart into everything I do. I wrack my brain trying to figure out why this thing inside me needs to be this way. Why I am so immersed, almost drowning.

It's not the drama. I hate the drama. But I do love the rush of knowing that no matter how broken or scarred I am, or will become, it only makes me stronger in the end. The satisfaction of knowing that, yet again, I have conquered my fears and pushed forward. I love, I hurt, I fall, I hurt some more, I bleed, I die.

I rise again.

Friday, April 24, 2009

No wonder the Third Reich was such a big hit.

So, this week has been pretty low key. I've spent most of my time getting back into the swing of being with the kids and being a responsible adult. The students prepped for their STAR testing next week, which will hopefully keep next week pretty low key too.

However, one of the Humanities classrooms that I frequent was watching a documentary on the Third Reich and the start of WWII. I had never seen adequate footage of Hitler speaking before, and to be honest, I was blown away. Granted, the man promoted unspeakable acts against a mass of people undeserving of such behavior (although no one is deserves genocide). I had always heard in passing that Hitler's movement was so popular due to his unmatched charisma and speaking ability. To my horror, I watched this man speak and despite the impending doom he spoke of and the fact that it was in German, I was moved by the power.

Yes, this sounds sick to say, but I can't deny what I saw. The hundreds of thousands of people swept into this "extraordinary" club of Aryan Germans that seemingly blindingly pledged allegiance to this man's decrees. It was intense and astonishing.

I in no way promote or advocate what Hitler did, but I feel as though I understand more now why things happened. My heart went out to the Jews being shoved into the streets to scrub sidewalks, those shoved in dark, dank boxcars to be shipped off to concentration camps where they would become no more than the numbers tattooed on their arms, and then faceless corpses in a ditch.

Nevertheless, so much pain and so much anguish makes me appreciate who I am, and all that I have. I do not like that it is another's pain I look to to remind me of why my life is precious, but what else can we do but learn from the past and glean some sort of hope for the future? I only hope that I can give such an understanding to the students I teach. If I do nothing else with the rest of my life, that will be enough.

Monday, April 20, 2009

A real conversation.

Teacher: So, what is ethnicity?
Student: Race.
Teacher: Well, then what is race?
Student: Black people.

If you knew this student, you'd understand. Nevertheless, a golden moment in teaching. Dios Mio.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Poured into bed.

Back to school tomorrow.

It'll be good :)

But I did kinda feel like Ray today.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Once upon a time I pierced a Scotsman...

I have returned from Flagstaff, Arizona! I spent the last few days sleeping and showering in a boy's dorm and getting hit on relentlessly. The experience was interesting to say the least. The day after my arrival I spent the morning/afternoon battling elevation sickness. Thankfully, this did not last. I think it is due to the fact that my body is some sort of mini-tank with amazing girl parts attached.

I did have fun though. Ian and I hadn't seen each other in 5 years and we spent our time traipsing around the rustically quaint college town. I got a chance to experience a Diablo burger which was pretty much heaven. Oh, and I made love to the delicious rosemary-doused fries.

And what trip of mine would be complete without me being impulsive!? So, I have two beautiful tragus piercings. I've wanted them done for so long and the tattoo shop was in the right place at the right time. The right one still bleeds a little, but for the most part they're not sore. I think they look pretty awesome. Thanks to Ben at Tat-Fu for a quick, relatively painless job!

I made some new friends, something that always makes me happy. As many realize soon after meeting me, I love to have fun with people. Ian also pulled together a ton of music for me. This will keep me busy for a long time, even though I should be planning for next week.

I also had the privilege of guest starring on the radio show that Ian works on during the week. Here is the link to the podcasts. The Progrum No, I didn't speak much, but it was enough entertainment to just listen to the boys carry on. Yesterday was my drive home. Some Arizona snow, crazy winds, an In 'N' Out burger and milkshake, and tons of boredom later, I made it home in one piece. And without killing anyone else with my Bostonian rage.

All right. I've been lazy long enough today. Nos vemos.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

wanderlust


i wanted more, a
Mediterranean love.
abandon! adventure!
a fever cooled too quick
by a current too swift.

(photo: lahnna epolito, lagos, portugal)

i just want to blow bubbles alllll day long!

So, Holly and I had some interesting conversations this morning/afternoon. We frequently make breakfast together and today we began chatting about the book (Loving the Self-Absorbed) I've been reading over some eggs and bacon.

I asked her, "What makes some people reflective and others not?" What instills a healthy sense of empathy in a person? What is it that allows to create emotional boundaries so that we share ourselves, but also remain protected?

Most of the time the answer lies in our upbringing. The way our parents treated us and interacted with us lays the foundation for our interactions with others. Should our parents have interacted with us negatively or relayed unreasonable expectations unto us, the result is an unhealthy approach to fostering relationships.

I was thinking back to my childhood. I reflected on the friends I once had. Frequently, my "friends" would abandon me or plot against me. I cared very much for them and wanted to please them, but this only hurt me further as those friends used my concern to manipulate me. It wasn't until high school that I began to seek out people who I could have mutually satisfying friendships with. I am proud that I was able to establish such boundaries at such a young age. I now want to make it a constant in my life to indulge those friendships that are mutually rewarding.

I thank my mother for her devotion to me. I also reflected on my interactions with her. Yes, she could be mean, and I would get yelled at and reprimanded for behaving inappropriately. I would cry and feel remorse for my mistakes. Some parents might leave their kids alone to cry and recover themselves. My mother held me while I cried. She told me that I needed to learn from my mistakes, but that she never stopped loving me. That everything was okay.

And it is okay. And it always will be. Even when it isn't, it's all okay.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

oreos for breakfast

While doing some personal research, I had an interesting realization based on a link that I happened upon. This is the Wiki on a disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Something about it piqued my interest and so I began to read. As I read about this very complicated disorder, something clicked. I know I am not a psychologist or a therapist of any kind, but based on my experiences as a child and teenager, my father fits the description of this disorder down to the letter.

Some may say that this is no basis for a true diagnosis, and they would be right, but considering I do not make enough money to attend consistent counseling, and my father refuses to seek help for his very prominent mental issues, I am stuck with independent research. Locating this disorder and learning about its very real effects on people is helping to provide me with a closure I never had before.

I am reconciling with my own mind. I realize now that I am not crazy. That the emotional abuse I suffered under my father was real and that that was caused by this very real disorder. However, the trouble with this disorder is a catch 22. One of the symptoms or signs of a person with NPD is the inability to follow through on commitments (due to their ingrained belief that they are of sole importance). NPD isn't typically remedied through medication since it's basis lies not in a chemical imbalance (like Bipolar Disorder) but in an ingrained personality trait. Therefore, a commitment to long-term therapy is required.

After diving into more research, I came across another link that had very useful information about how the people in a Narcissist's life can help their disordered loved one, an article by Bruce Gregory, Ph.D. One of the most useful tips for me was to establish emotional boundaries.

Excellent individual emotional boundaries are so critical for dealing with narcissism. These emotional boundaries prevent the force of the narcissism emotions from throwing an individual off balance. The emotional boundaries are also helpful in not taking the narcissism's actions or positions personally. The narcissism, consumed and driven by the grandiosity, feels responsible for everything; therefore, all failures, frustrations, and disappointments are its fault, and are directed personally at it. In interacting with narcissism, one does not want to fall into the narcissist's world and take what is going on personally. Narcissism's actions are indiscriminate. They are directed toward any object, person or group that threatens its control, domination and grandiosity. An excellent emotional boundary system does not allow the force of another person's emotions to penetrate one's own personal space.

Accountability skills are another important tool in the sustainability advocate's arsenal. Accountability skills, used in group settings, are extremely educational to promote awareness regarding the dynamics of power. Accountability skills reduce the tendency to be a victim, and provide inspiration and support for persons looking for the courage to successfully challenge narcissistic forces. Accountability creates "space" by obligating narcissistic forces to substantiate positions, communication and behavior. Accountability skills generate the conditions that require narcissistic forces to take responsibility for their intent or give up their position.


I used to play the victim when the circumstances turned bad. My father would yell at me for something I had done, and, being the child, I would respond with crying, pleading, and yelling in response. However, when I grew older, I began to establish these emotional boundaries Gregory speaks of. This also did not go over well, because my father, the Narcissist, then became threatened by my ability to control myself. I realized that he thrived on making me lose control in order to gain the upper hand in conversation and essentially "win". Our relationship suffered due to my need to establish independence and self-confidence and his inability to empathize with that.

Interestingly enough, I was once in a relationship that frequently experienced the same turbulence. We would argue about something (even a more trivial topic like dishes), and I would allow myself to become incensed to the point where I'd break down and cry out of frustration and anger. No matter requires this level of frustration. The real problem was my inability to establish emotional boundaries and simply walk away from the situation. I allowed the anger I felt toward my significant other to cloud my judgement, making me believe that to walk away was admitting defeat. Only when I began to decide to disengage from arguments did I see a change. I could then return to the issue later, calmer and ready to find a mutually beneficial solution. Granted, this is only one side of the oreo. The other side lay in the frustration and aggrandizement issuing from my significant other. Even if I can begin to make the effort to improve my reaction to stress and frustration, what good does it do if he does not want to assist by improving himself? Here we reached an impasse. One that we tried to circle around many times, but to no avail.

There are some novels I need to pick up about how to deal with these issues. I'm hoping that I can glean something from them that will help me in conversing with my father and in dealing with future relationships in general.

Loving the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown
Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin